5 Steps to rebuilding confidence after divorce.
So….what now? This wasn’t the plan and surely I had not planned to start over. There are as many reasons for a divorce as there are people getting divorced. The reason is not my concern just like the blame is not my concern. Placing blame is like asking why. You may never know and it is real estate in your mind that can be better used. You may never know the reason and you may never be able to fix the blame. But, how can I wrap my mind around thinking as half of a whole. Good news! You were never ‘Half of a whole.’ You were a whole playing the role of a half. Let that land. You were always alone and responsible for every decision you made regarding who you were, and now, who you are. I can tell you my story ad the 5 Steps i found helped me overcome the over-thinking and move in a different trajectory.
- Draw a line in the sand and step over to the other side.
- Take inventory of yourself.
- The opposite of Love…..is indifference.
- Ready Aim……..
- Fire!
Step #1. Draw a line in the sand and step over to the other side.
There is a legal term called “Estoppel.” The short definition is “a legal principle that prevents someone from arguing something or asserting a right that contradicts what they previously agreed to or said.” In simple terms – what’s done is done. Looking in the rearview mirror isn’t where you are going. However, you understand that a line has been drawn in the sand, and you are on the other side of the line. The line is now behind you and, to be honest, the line no longer matters because you are on a different trajectory.
You should find some freedom from that thought. There are only two days in your life that you can’t do a thing about—yesterday and tomorrow. Oh, sure, there is fallout or consequences from yesterday, and there is preparation for tomorrow, but today is where you are, and if you fill your mind with yesterday and tomorrow, you will miss today. Take a breath. Take several.
Step #2. Take inventory of yourself.
I found this to be a very freeing exercise. I wrote down all the things I was mad about and all the times I was wronged. I did it without any thought about fixing anything. I filled a small notebook. Then I put rubber bands on that little notebook and had a glass of whiskey as I threw it in the fire and watched all those things go up in smoke. I never opened it to read it and I resolved myself to not give any of those things any real estate in my mind. That was the first step. The second step, which is much more important, is that I took inventory of who I am. Not what anyone said I was. I choose to list all of the things that I am. Think of it as a suitcase for a trip that you are about to take. What are you capable of? What are your core values? Where will you refuse to compromise? Don’t hold back. There is no failure in this exercise. It does not matter if you played a role that didn’t allow you to perform at your best. In summary, this is the foundation of what I was building. I repeated what I wrote to myself in the mirror every morning until I could say it without feeling sheepish. I said it loud and strong. I looked at myself in the eye and made sure I said it often enough to believe it.
Quote – “Tiny battles are the ones that will define your future.”
Step #3. The opposite of Love……..is indifference.
Ask most people what the opposite of love is and they will say hate. I disagree. I believe the opposite of love is indifference. Indifference comes in many forms but the thought I found most beneficial was to check my emotions to see if I could just be indifferent – without emotion. If I felt emotion from a conversation or something that happened, I knew that I still had work to do. Let’s go back to the term ‘Estoppel.’ For me, that was the day I was served papers. I no longer had a responsibility to perform a role and I was not going to allow someone who I no longer had responsibility for to say who I was or dictate what I did. The more I understood who I was and where I was going the better I got at it. As will happen to you if you are in the same geographic location – you will cross paths. I did. I took the Harley out for a ride to my favorite bar. I walked in and ordered the darkest beer they had in anticipation of a relaxing respite of people-watching. I did not expect to see my ex standing at the bar in a group and to my amazement – I didn’t care. I took my glass and sat down to do what I went there to do. Completely indifferent. I had a big smile on my face because I had arrived.
Step #4. Ready, Aim……
I bet you said “Fire” in your mind. Not yet. First things first. Get ready. What do I mean by that? We started to do that in step two. Give yourself credit for already moving in the direction that you choose. You took inventory. Surprised yourself didn’t you? You were all those things all the time. Those are your core values and they come from life experience. Your life experiences. It allows you to see the world the way only you can do. I once had a friend say to me, “Thomas, just be you because you are a poor imitation of someone else.” This also reminds me of a time I could hear my oldest boy laughing in all sorts of ways in his bathroom. I asked him to explain what he was doing and he said, “I’m trying different laughs because I don’t like mine.” I heard guffaws, giggles, squeals, snorts, and all kinds of noises. Finally, he came out and said. “Dad, I tried all kinds of laughs and I think I’ll stick with the one I have because it makes me smile at myself in the mirror.”
Step #4. FIRE!!
Go! Action is the keyword in this phase. You have already taken the time previously to gather an inventory of who you are. You have reached deep to define what you are made of. All of the experiences that have occurred in your life have brought you to this day and this time. You are well-equipped to define and design the life you choose to live from this point forward. Go! Set in motion the action items that will take you across the bridge to the location of the life you deserve to live. If it is about getting in shape – do something. Join a gym, go for a run, take a walk, and do some calisthenics. Anything… and do it consistently. Action is the difference between who you are now and who and where you want to be. Yesterday doesn’t matter except for its lessons. Tomorrow is not here yet. Today. You have today. Commit to yourself to do something to change the trajectory of your life and do NOT negotiate with yourself.
