Setting healthy boundaries and bringing back the peace.
Let’s talk about boundaries—what they are, what they’re not, and why most of us get them completely wrong at first.
For years, I thought I understood the concept. I mean, I knew what boundaries were when I took my kids bowling—those bumpers that keep the ball out of the gutter. And growing up on a farm, I definitely knew the boundaries of our land—where I could go, and where I’d be trespassing. But personal boundaries? That was a whole different story.
It wasn’t until my life started spinning and I went searching for peace that I stumbled across books on boundaries. That’s when I realized—I didn’t really know what they meant. Not in the personal sense. Not in the way that truly mattered.
Boundaries are essential for personal well-being.
It wasn’t until my life started spinning and I went searching for peace that I stumbled across books on boundaries. That’s when I realized—I didn’t really know what they meant. Not in the personal sense. Not in the way that truly mattered.
Like a lot of guys, I thought boundaries were about getting other people to back off. I thought they were walls I’d build to keep certain behavior out. I thought if I laid down the law, people would change, and then I’d finally get some peace. But I had it backwards.Boundaries aren’t about changing other people. They’re about changing me. About knowing what I will and won’t allow in my life—and how I’ll respond when those lines get crossed. I couldn’t control how others acted, but I could control how I reacted.At the time, I was trying to be everything to everyone. Saying yes when I wanted to say no. Running on fumes, hoping that if I just kept up with all the demands, eventually things would settle down. Spoiler alert: they didn’t. Peace didn’t show up when I finished the to-do list. Peace showed up when I started saying “no” to what didn’t align with who I truly am.
And that brings me to identity. See, I was married for 22 years. And like a lot of long marriages, over time I started molding myself into who I needed to be to keep the peace, to hold things together. I began drifting—mentally, emotionally—without even realizing it. One day, I stopped and asked the question: Who am I, really?
That question changed everything.
I reached out to a few people who knew me well—people I trusted to tell me the truth—and I asked them: “Who do you think I am?” That wasn’t easy. I was scared of the answer. But what I heard helped me reconnect with the version of me I’d lost. Their words helped shine a light on the parts of me that were still intact—and the parts I wanted to strengthen.From that place of self-awareness, I got clear on my core values. Not the ones I inherited or thought I “should” have. The ones that were truly mine. And then I built my boundaries around them.
And yeah, I know some people hear this and think, “That sounds selfish.” But it’s not. This wasn’t about shutting people out. It was about protecting the peace I was rebuilding. It was about designing a life rooted in integrity, clarity, and joy. A life surrounded by people who love me for who I am—not what I do for them.
So what did that look like in real life?
It meant walking away from conversations that were disrespectful. It meant no longer defending myself against false accusations or toxic dialogue. I set boundaries that aligned with my values—and I enforced them. And that’s the key: boundaries don’t work unless you’re willing to hold them. Not with anger, not with force—but with calm clarity.
“The more control you have over your attention, the more control you have over your future, and it starts with having enough courage to protect your time. It’s so easy to say yes, we want to be agreeable, helpful, liked. That’s how time disappears, and attention becomes fragmented. Not in big chunks, but in a thousand small considerations.
“Atomic Habits”, James Clear.
If you’re a man who’s been through divorce and you’re trying to find yourself again—start here. Get clear on your values. Build your boundaries. And reclaim your peace. If this landed in your life, give me a call or drop me a message.
Thomas@maxeffort.com
